Hi there! Yeah, I’m talking to you, stranger.
I want this place to be free from judgement, a safe place for my followers/visitors/readers. I don’t want you to feel pressured to believe things because I believe them. I acknowledge that everyone has different experiences and those experiences help shape who we are. So, I thought to help get more of you I would share the most humiliating experience in my life. Please, no judgments.
No, it wasn’t me telling my Dad I had depression. But believe me, that is ranked fairly high on the list. Actually, it was a guy. I thought maybe if I told you this it would help get to know me even better then you already have.
His name was..let’s call him “Aden.” It was the last term of 7th grade. Yeah, middle school. Crazy right? It’s been three years, and middle school is all I got.
Aden was this person I’d known since Elementary school. Back then I had a huge crush on him. I think he knew too. I wasn’t that good at hiding it. In Middle school I met him again, in my 7th grade construction class. Oh how I hated that class. It was full of a lot of his friends, one of which I had a crush on in 6th grade. Hmm.
Aden looked at me a lot. I constantly saw him staring at me. Later I found out it was probably him thinking about mindless stuff and just zoning out but I could’ve sworn he was looking at me. He sat down by me, to tease me I think, when I was cozying up by my locker desperately waiting for the bell to ring and for school to start so I could stop sitting there like an idiot while everyone ate breakfast. He tried to talk to me, I’m certain I blushed. His friends were looking at us.
I am not a pretty girl like those popular girls in my school, mind you. I was not the skinniest girl, I had braces and an awkward look to myself. Some people told me I was beautiful back then, but I couldn’t honestly tell you. I’m afraid my views would be too bias.
Anyway, I’ve been crushing on him for weeks, hard. I can’t stop thinking about him. I’m drawing his name, using my name as is first name and testing out what it sounded like mixed with his. Ugh. All those stupid girl stuff. I was head over heels for a guy I barely knew and I couldn’t stop it. I tried. I really tried to stay sane. But he was just adding fuel to the fire with his jokes, and his comments and his laugh and his looks and his smile and how he talked to me and teased me and always seemed to be looking at me. I tried to stay strong, but I was a girl. And he was a guy, a hot guy, who no one had dated at all. He didn’t fall for girls, like other people did in middle school. He didn’t crush, as far as anyone knew. And I was certain he was crushing on me. I mean I constantly caught him looking at me.
I didn’t know what to do.
My friend asked me if I wanted to tell him I liked him. I tried asking him out on social media. Worst mistake of my life. Do not use FB to ask someone out. Just don’t. I don’t think he got it until a long time after this all happened but it was so humiliating. Not as humiliating as the ending of this tale, though.
My friend and I decided to write a note. She wrote it down. “My friend likes you, do you like her?” she put a check yes or no thing.
There was probably not a worse way to handle the situation, but we were naive, what did we know about guys and how cruel they could be? I was innocent when it came to all the gossip. Girls, yes, I understood how mean girls could be. But guys had never been mean to me, or if they had I hadn’t known them or cared what they thought about me. Truth was, I think guys did like me but I’ve always been so …I don’t know how to put it. Sheltered? I never really considered the possibility someone liked me. I didn’t like my body, but I felt more confident around Aden every day. He was good for me.
I tried to call it off, but I already knew she had given it to a friend who would get it to him. I had no clue what would happen next. I tried to remain oblivious. I was working on my wood project in class when sure enough his friend set a piece of paper down on the wooden table I was working at.
I knew what it was. I wasn’t an idiot. I knew exactly what it was. And I tried to look like I didn’t, but I did. I knew. I knew it was the note my friend wrote. And I could hear people laughing across the room. I knew it wasn’t a good idea. I should’ve thrown it away. This wouldn’t end well. For either of us. I kept telling myself to calm down, I tried to think.
I turned to look at Aden who was laughing with his friends and they were all looking at me. I think Aden looked away, but I hardly remember.
I opened the note. He had written all over the note, drawing his own check boxes. He said yes, maybe, no, idk, kay, bye, ect. I don’t even remember. I tore the note up years later. But I looked at him and I had no clue what to do with the note. I showed it to my friend, saying he didn’t answer. I said that it wasn’t an answer to him I think even.
But I was ecstatic. He hadn’t said no, technically. He hadn’t been mean. And I was starting to think maybe my friend was right, maybe he really liked me. God, how could I be so ignorant?
Fast forward, most everyone who was anyone was talking about him and I. Asking me if we were dating, I said to ask him. I actually said to ask him. It was so idiotic. I know dating isn’t anything in middle school, now I know that, but it felt like the end of the world. I heard rumors that we were dating, that he was taking advantage of me and that he was going to hurt me. People kept asking me if we were dating.
You know the screwed up part? I liked it. Because people actually thought I could be going out with him. I mean, that’s cool. I always felt beneath those people and here they were coming up to me asking me all this stuff thinking I was good enough for him? Not even batting an eye at him dating me? I felt accepted for one of the first times in my life.
I confronted Aden at lunch and asked him if we were dating, that I wanted to know what to tell people. I wanted to know what I was supposed to say. At first, he made a joke. We were surrounded by his friends. I asked my other friends to come and support me. One did. She came with me. One of his friends, asked if we were dating. I was hanging around him about to ask like the same thing. He turned to me then turned back to her and said, “No.”
All fun and games gone. He might’ve been laughing or something but I started crying. Because it was in front of everyone, I was surrounded by everyone. I’m not kidding. I started crying, I felt humiliated. I felt beyond humiliated. Oh, but it got worse.
I wrote him frickin letters and said I liked him. And I just couldn’t stop. I tried, but it was too late. I was screwed. I really liked him and I had no experience with this and had no clue how to handle any of this. I still am not the best with guys, I still have not had my first kiss may I remind you.
I hardly remember the rest, funny how it was so upsetting before. He was sitting with his friends before school. And I saw them all looking at me and talking and I could practically hear what they were saying. We were sitting far away but I could feel the disdain. I walked up to him and his friends and gave off an entire thing. I was sick of this. I told him to leave me alone, and that I hated him and he was mean and blah blah blah. I nearly tripped walking back but I didn’t care. I made it.
I find out a year later he never actually told many people what happened. I think he might’ve actually liked me, but man did I screw it all up. Someone actually said “That’s that girl that dated Aden.” I said “I am not talking about that with you,” stuff like: “I won’t do it.”
I was acting so damaged and hurt, and he never even told his friends what happened. I see him a lot around school and I avoid him as much as I can. I don’t like being around him, it makes me feel uncomfortable and humiliated. But the truth is, maybe he wasn’t as bad of a guy as I thought he was.
I wish I had spoken to him, actually spoken to him, alone. Because I had no idea back then that being around your friends made you act differently. I was clueless. And I could’ve prevented pretty much everything that happened just by talking to him. Ever since Aden I’ve been so weird around guys. Always keeping my guard up. As odd as it is, he woke me up from this dream I was having that everyone was kind. I wrote in my journal once that he stole my innocence. But it wasn’t my virginity I was referring to.
That’s my most humiliating story. Years later though, I do find out he did tell some people. Because someone asked me, this year actually “Didn’t you date Aden Lancaster?” I look at him and I swear I feel like crap. I say “Where did you hear that?”
I mean, that was in middle school. I wanted to leave behind all of that hurt and foolishness. But, the universe decided to bring it up one last time. In the middle of Biology.
Perfect Fucking Timing.
Turns out people who didn’t even go to my school heard I was rejected by Aden. “That girl who got rejected by Aden Lancaster.”
I’ve heard Aden is a jerk from some people but I’ve never witnessed that firsthand by being alone with him. He doesn’t look at me anymore, and he doesn’t talk to me. Sometimes I see him glance but I keep my head down. I keep my head down a lot now. In a way, he really screwed me up. Because if I hadn’t been rejected by Aden I might’ve actually liked guys or tried to. I might’ve been able to talk to guys. Now the wall that I had built in 6th grade is at least twice as tall. How will any real guy break it down, or will they have the strength to climb over it?
I don’t like Aden anymore, but he still affects my emotions and I still catch myself trying to pick him out in a crowd. Weird, how that works.
Maybe we’re not all perfect, huh?
I guess we’ll find out.